Etiquette: Part 1
What's a manner?
Christa Vagnozzi
TheKnot.com
The relationship between the mother of the bride (MOB) and the mother of the groom (MOG) can be a tricky one. You are, after all, marrying her son. Likewise, the groom is planning on taking responsibility for the daughter of the MOB. But with a little patience and a soft voice, you can smooth out any misunderstandings on both sides. Here’s how to avoid some common sticky situations and keep the family ties intact.
Q. We just got engaged and my MOG is already planning our engagement party. Isn’t the MOB supposed to host?
Anyone can host the engagement party, but tradition dictates that the bride’s parents have first dibs. The groom’s parents can then throw their own party, or both sets of parents can host the fete jointly. If your families live far away from one another, two parties are perfectly acceptable, as long as the same people are not invited to both (with all the events coming up surrounding your wedding day, you don’t want people to O.D. on your happiness before the actual wedding!). If you are having one combined engagement party, make sure that everyone coming is definitely invited to the wedding. You can, however, keep this party on the smaller side by making it a family only celebration. Keep in mind that the rehearsal dinner is the domain of the groom's parents.
Q. We split the guest list number evenly between our families, but the MOG is inviting distant friends and relatives because she doesn’t want to be underrepresented at the wedding. What should I do?
A. Like christenings and funerals, weddings are family affairs, and if you gave the MOG carte blanche to do what she wants with her portion of the guest list, and she’s not going over her limit, it may be best to hold your tongue so you don’t hurt her feelings You’ll want her to feel just as comfortable on her son’s wedding day as your own parents will feel. Not liking the “more the merrier” philosophy? Then be completely honest with her and be willing to face any repercussions.
Q. Is it appropriate to tell the MOG that she must wait to pick out her attire until my mom selects her dress?
A. Per general etiquette, the MOB buys her wedding day frock first, and then notifies the MOG in a friendly, non-threatening manner. This conversation should subtly clue in the MOG to color, length, and overall formality. To give the MOG enough time for shopping and alterations, your mom should choose her dress by the four-month mark. Or, consider taking them both shopping together. A shopping day among the girls is a great way to break the ice and get the moms talking to each other about wedding day attire -- and they don’t necessarily have to make a final decision. If they both want to wear the same color, they may choose to compromise and each wear a different shade, which is perfectly acceptable at a modern wedding.
Q. Does the groom’s stepmom have to abide by the dress-buying rules too?
A. Typically, the stepmom does not have to play by the rules, but try to address the subject with her before the dress shopping starts. Depending on how close she is with you both, you may want to ask her to dress not as formally (or just as formally) as the MOB and MOG. You may even want her to wear something in the same color palette (she will be in plenty of photos after all), or something totally different. Whatever your decide preface it with the fact that you want her to wear an outfit that will make her look and feel her best.
Q. The MOG wants to wear white to the wedding! How can I tell her this isn’t appropriate?
A. Weddings may have changed a lot in the past 10-15 years, but some things are still rooted in tradition. Before you approach her, first ask yourself: Why do I feel this way? If it is because your feel like you are in competition with the MOG, address the real situation with her directly before she starts dress shopping. You just may get her to change her mind if you sympathize with her feelings about “losing a son.” Once you have talked things out, offer to go dress shopping with her. You can use it as an opportunity to do a little bonding with your future MIL.
Q. I am very close with my fiance’s mother and she wants to come gown shopping with me. However, my mom has been looking forward to the experience. How do I handle this?
A. You definitely want to handle this delicately. First, approach the subject with your future MIL and be honest about how you feel. Emphasize how much you appreciate the offer, but let her know that you have always dreamed of shopping for your wedding gown with your mom. Maybe you can ask her to accompany you on a fitting or two once you have picked out the gown with your mom, or enlist her help with something else … like picking out your flowers or wedding invitations.
Q. My future in-laws live far away and the MOG wants to host a separate shower for me, inviting only her side of the family. Can I have two showers?
A. Traditional brides typically have one shower, hosted by the attendants (or her family), with the MOG and other groom family members included on the guest list. Even so, many brides are known to have several showers – perhaps one at work, one at a spa with friends, and one back home at her mom's place. So it's actually okay (and pretty common) for a bride to be feted by the groom's family in addition to the "original" shower. Just make sure that the MOG touches base with your maid of honor (or whoever is hosting the other shower) to let her know that her decision to throw a separate shower is because of the distance. Also, to avoid stepping on any toes, the MOG should host her shower after the fact, not before. Remember, the point of a shower is for all of the women close to the bride to come together for a few hours of gift-giving, good eats, and female bonding. If the two camps aren't able to mingle, everyone should try to keep your interests at heart and go from there.
Q. I love my mom, but she wants to come to the bachelorette party. Do I have to invite her? I’d really rather not.
A. When it comes to bachelor and bachelorette parties, usually a no-parents rule is a good call. In some circles, however, you will find the groom's fathers whooping it up at the bachelor party. So it's perfectly logical for your mom to assumer she would be invited to the bachelorette bash. But think about it: Do you really want your mom along for the ride as you cackle, flirt with random guys, and otherwise embarrass yourself? Likewise, do you think your mom will be up for dancing ’til dawn? If not, it might be in everyone’s best interest to do a separate prewedding celebration elsewhere, on a different day. Maybe invite her out for a spa day (albeit more low-key) for some massages and manicures
Q. I'd love to recognize my mother and all her hard work at our rehearsal dinner and honor her with a gift, but will it seem like I'm snubbing my mother-in-law if I do?
A. Great question -- you want to single out your mom, but if you do, you may risk offending your new MIL. You obviously can't ignore your fiance’s mom at the rehearsal dinner. So, if you want to give your own mom a gift from you personally, you should enlist your fiance to take care of his mom. Simply say, "I want to give my mother a gift that's just from me at the rehearsal dinner, and I think it would be really great if you did the same for yours." Hopefully he'll think it's a great idea, and his mother will certainly appreciate the recognition from her boy -- enabling you to honor your own mom without downplaying her contributions or worrying about offending anyone else.
Q. At the ceremony, does the MOG have to stand in the receiving line?
A. Having a receiving line is optional, but it’s typically a staple at traditional weddings. So it’s best to tell the MOG that she can expect to assume the position after the ceremony if you decide to line up. Traditionally, the groom's parents and bride's parents will flank the newly married couple in the line. If your MOG is concerned about making small talk, reassure her that a receiving line is quick and painless. Guests will simply shake her hand and offer warm but succinct congratulations to her and her husband. There will be no time for chatting with people she doesn't know (or like).
Q. Unfortunately, our moms have not seen eye-to-eye over the course of our engagement. Do we have to sit our parent’s together at the reception?
A. Traditionally, your parents and your sweetie's parents sit at the same table, along with grandparents, siblings not in the wedding party, and the officiant and his spouse if they attend the reception. But the key to having a fabulous reception is to do what makes everyone feel most comfortable, so it’s perfectly fine to seat the parents separately if they are not getting along. Even if they were on good terms, nowadays both parties may actually want to be separated so that they can host their own close friends or immediate family members. Remember, the parent-seating question is a flexible one. Set it up in a way that best suits everybody. If you're unsure, don't hesitate to talk to the parents in question about it before you make your final decision.
